By Hoang Long, 27/02/2023
Love is something that has always kept me up at night. I grew up experiencing domestic violence, which made me feel a lack of love. Even so, I want to love my father and try to forgive him but afraid of facing past wounds. However, after reading Erich Fromm’s book, I believe that unconditional love can be the way to liberate and reconcile my childhood trauma.
Erich Fromm pointed out that there are two types of love: conditional and unconditional.
Conditional love is when love becomes an object that can be traded. For example, "I love you" is often followed by "you must love me back". This type of love can be a way for you to boost your ego when you try to become a more lovable person. The unconditional in another hand, “is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole” This type of love can be universal when you can act on kindness and compassion towards all living things.
Erich Fromm says that “genuine love needs to be rooted in one’s own capacity to love.” That is why, a child who experiences domestic violence will have a more complicated time learning to love because he or she isn’t being taught what love is there for, he or she may lack the capacity to love.
In 2016, I worked on "Hanoi Love," a documentary series about intimate relationships. One story features a young man who witnessed his father beating his mother and felt consumed by violence and anger when he fought back. Despite feeling guilty, he cannot forgive his father for the abuse.
I felt guilty that I, as a son, hit my dad, But it would be very hard to keep calm in that case, No one could stand seeing their mom being driven into a corner and beaten up, No one can ever bear it!
But in another case, unconditional love helped another boy overcome and reconcile with the trauma of the past. The boy also suffered abuse when his father beat him, but in the end, he still , said:
Because, no matter how much you hate me, you are still my father. I never want to blame you or accuse you of the things you've done to me. I just wish If I ever say I love you, you will hug me and say you love me too.
This short video showcases the power of unconditional love. The act of forgiveness helps to relieve some of the burdens from the child's soul and opens the bridge for the father to reconnect. Unconditional love highlights the boy's inner strength and courage.
The "Hanoi Love" video series is a means for me to study and learn about the nature of unconditional love, and to improve my own "capacity to love." In this series, I interview, observe, and learn about intimate relationships between family members.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ss9rg6tohWE
